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I found myself initially writing this like I was Lady Whistledown with your latest high society gossip. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m calling this just yet. This will be is a space in which I’ll have no problem showing up whole. Yes, whole. I’m currently on this journey of figuring out who the fuck I am. It only took 29 years, but who’s counting? I’m like that bottle of $2.99 Kroger brand wine that woke up and realized it’s worth. Someday, I’ll be a household name like Telfar or Brandon Blackwood. Shit, even Oprah. We’re reaching for the stars, right?
You might ask, what have I been doing up to this point? Some might call it living. Maybe even existing. I’d call it a rollercoaster. I can see and feel myself changing, and it’s definitely the scariest feeling in the world. Is that how growth works? Do you just lose your identity in the process? Or is it that you gain a new one? All I know is that this new Javari better still like wings and a good glass of Prosecco.
My biggest fear right now is letting myself down. That’s fucking scary. You hold the key to your happiness. No friend, no amount of money, and not even Brent Faiyaz. I programmed myself to believe my value lied in the hands of other people. Crazy right? That’s not to say I was never confident. I possessed a certain je ne sais quoi when I was a spring chicken. I could light up any room I stepped into. I loved that fearless Javari.
Boundaries, career goals, a colorful self-love journey, and picking up new hobbies. Yes, 2023 has been busy. I’m not the most organized person, so I can’t even tell you how I’m doing it. It’s been a little messy, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t do anything to intentionally disappoint myself. Is that growth we’re smelling there?
Nonetheless, I just want to be better than I was yesterday. Everyday. I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I’m going to fail, probably several times. Guess what? That’s okay! You live to fight another day. Besides, perfect is boring.
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