The Main Course: Tales of a Bad Dater, B*!

You have a lot of time on your hands being single, and I’ve spent much of that in my head. This is why I’m able to provide you with a retrospective report of my colorful dating life. I’ve done many things right and have definitely done some things wrong. We’re so quick to place the blame on the other person because, often times, that’s easier. It takes real self-awareness to hold your own feet to the fire. Dating is similar to a job interview. We’re putting our best foot forward in the hopes of securing the position, which in this case is a place in someone’s heart. What happens when putting your best foot forward actually comes back to bite you in the ass? Well, let’s get into it.

I used to call myself the gay male version of Joan Carol Clayton. (IYKYK) I was dating with intention, but that was also mixed with lots of self-sabotage and insecurity. I can think of three men off the top of my head who were perfect suitors, but each one had that “I can run over him” factor. You know, when you think he’s just too sweet and doesn’t have the ability to “put you in your place.” Don’t ask me where I picked up that problematic way of thinking, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you just thought of a guy who fits that same description. Today, we’d call this man Russell Wilson. This type of man has always been in style, but I was just too blind to see it. Instead, I’d go after the emotionally unavailable guy who “WYD’s” you all damn day. The man who’s just “going with the flow” and has no idea what that even means. You may be asking yourself, why Javari? Honestly, I wasn’t ready for what I thought I was ready for back then. I had a lot of deeply-rooted trauma that needed to be worked through. In no way was I capable of being in the vulnerable state one should be in to successfully date. In a very toxic way, Mr. Wrong felt safe. He wouldn’t require me to go deeper because he was comfortable at the surface, and I became okay with that. Yeah, problematic AF!

I also found it quite difficult to be in the moment. I’d be thinking 3-6 months ahead and had just met the man ten minutes prior. Look, I wasn’t trying to be out here wasting any precious minutes the Lord gave me on a man who wasn’t about that action. I think in the process, I may have scared away a few of those “good men.” Again, there’s nothing wrong with moving intentionally. Quite frankly, I believe that’s how we should all approach dating, but I also firmly believe that time reveals all. Only in time will you find out whether your potential boo has a side piece, bad habits that could potentially turn into deal breakers, or whether he or she can even get your rocks off. I beg you, please let time reveal the latter. Many people come into our lives to teach us lessons, which accounts for about 75% of the men I’ve dated. *inserts laughing emoji* Others may help you raise your price, meaning they will show you how you should be treated and what you deserve. My approach to dating now is to take things at face value.

If you’ve read ‘Vee’s Prayer,’ you know that I’ve been very specific about the type of man I want. God-fearing, intelligent, artistic, and let’s not forget that he must be taller than 5’10. But is there such a thing as being too specific? Could we be depriving ourselves of what we need by having tunnel vision of what we want? It’s one thing to have preferences, but we shouldn’t be caged by them. If I’m being honest, all the men I’ve dated have been at completely opposite ends of the spectrum, besides those pesky Virgo’s and educators. I’d be remiss if I failed to mention that neither could touch me with a 10-foot pole now. Nevertheless, I’m open to the possibility of my happy ending looking different than I’ve imagined. I’m still going to give the short kings a hard time, but they just might have a better chance now at getting a dose.